Short and overweight

I'm 158cm tall and I wheigh more than I should. Through out my soon 25 years I've never been thin. I've always been a bit on the chubby side. Why? I think that's just how I'm built. As I wrote in a post before I started eating to shut up my feelings when I was depressed and that it didn't go away. That has helped to me wheighing more than I should today. I tried working out at a gym when I had the money to spend on a membership. It was not used much as I went there with my sister in the beginning and after a while we couldn't go together as we didn't have times that matched. I let it die and soon cancelled the membership. I didn't like the fact that people were looking at you a lot. It felt creepy. 

I've written before that I have started to eat less calories a day and so far it's going good. Except the fact that so much food is high in calories and I don't know what to eat. I've had porridge, cereals made of oats with milk and crispbread for breakfast through out these days. Of course not all on one day as that would be one hell of a breakfast and would take a big chunk of a day's allowed calories for me. Lunch and dinner have been hard to get too but I'm not going to give up just yet. 

The fact that I'm short I can't do anything with. Most females on my moms side are shorter than standard. Might only be mom and my sis that it doesn't count for. Both my nan and moms sis are shorter than me and I'm already short. I'm what 8cm away from being counted as a dwarf? 

I wheigh myself on the scales to see if I lost something. Got a bit sad when I saw that I had estimated my wheight wrong and I wanted to throw the scales out through the bathroom window. I can at least be glad about the fact that I stay in my allowed daily intake of calories. The cold I thought I was going to get have still not broken out and I feel better. Perhaps it's time to put that treadmill to use that the owner of this house before us left.  

Pain

I'm going to be honest with you all. 

You might know already that when I was 14 I fell into a deep depression. It lasted till the beginning of the year I turned 17. I thought of taking my life a lot. Tried about twice but somehow I always stopped myself before it would not be reversible. To shut up my feeling I ate sweets, cookies, chocolate and ice cream. When I ate I didn't have to care about how bad I was feeling. Sadly that behavior have stuck with me and I still do it. It's a hard habit to break. 

Today I'm feeling pretty much just down. All the pressure from getting a job, moving out and growing up the last part is getting too heavy and today I broke in front of a man I don't even know. I'm so tired off it all and just want it to go in the right direction for once. And I'm going to be honest.. There have been days where I've wondered if the only way would be to sell myself. I'm desperate. Soon I'll probably apply for a job where I would be needing a sick leave in a year. 

I'm feeling really down today and it feels like I'll be giving up for today and eat more calories that I'm aloud too. I just want the hopelessness to go away.  

Light sleeper

I'm a light sleeper. That means sounds like people talking, music, snoring and other sounds can wake me up and make me stay awake. It's a pain. Currently I sleep with earplugs in my ears pretty much every night. I could sleep to hearing my mom and dad snoring in their bedroom under mine. Thankfully the floor/roof covers enough of that sound for me to be able to ignore it. But sadly my little brother have a weird body clock at the moment staying up till 3am and sleep till 11-12. That would not be a problem IF he didn't sit behind the laptop he shares with mom and dad playing games and talking LOUDLY with his friends on Skype. The wall between our rooms doesn't really block the sound out. When I get a job and can move I'll probably have hard too sleep then too as there will be sounds that I'm not used too but I think that I could learn to not react to it. I've done that before with a train passing by at least once every half hour 24/7. 

This will be a pain later on as my love is a snorer and sorry but you sound like a lumber mill. When we move together (knock on wood as I hope this happen in the future) I'll have trouble to sleep next to him. I'm pretty sure earplugs won't help :( I don't want to lay in bed tired, pissed off and close to tears. Yes that's how I get when I get awoken by a sound and the sound keeps me awake. If I don't get enough sleep during the night you can bet on the fact that I'll be one of the worst bitches you've ever seen. I'll pretty much be close to biting your head off. 

Day three

Today it's day three of eating less calories. So far it's going good but I find it sad getting to know how much calories there is in some things I love to eat. Finding snacks for Friday's and Saturdays aren't easy. Had cucumber and carrot sticks with creme fresh and mashed garlic.

116calories so a nice snack but I feel eating it every Friday and Saturday evening watching the telly will get boring after a while. 

I thought that nuts would be fine but nope. Forgot that they got a lot of oil in them. Baked stuff will be a treat when I know that I can easily work it off. Which is sad as I LOVE to bake. Guess it will only be for the other people in te house for a while. Rather not burn 500 of my days calories from eating a Danish. 

I'm currently on the lookout for recipes on food, snacks and treats to get more too choose from for my meals. Might look for weight watchers recipes as they got the same idea except they use points. Eating porridge for breakfast every day might get boring after a while. Tasty and filling but same stuff 7 days a week might make it taste like glue. 

Phone trouble

I have a confession to make. 

I hate talking on the phone with people I don't know. Why? Because I don't know their voice pattern. I wouldn't know if they were making fun of me or they're not. 

When I needed to make a call to get my ear checked as I heard crackling noise when bending it to same side as the ear and down, I had to sit about a half hour before calming myself down and telling myself that they're professional and won't make fun of me for my problem. 

Getting told to just call someone for some reason makes my brain go into a tiny panic attack. I don't know why I feel like this except the fact that I said higher up: not knowing their voice pattern. Talking to mom, sis, friends and other close people doesn't make me go into panic as I know how their voices sounds in different situations. This is as well why I rarely talk on places like TS and vent as I often wonder how they'll react and not hearing it as I'm not used to their voice patterns.

Perhaps it something I need to train on to feel comfortable with it. 

Starting over

I have had this blog since sometime last year. I wrote on it and after five posts I forgot about it. It's supposed to be the blog where I write about anything except World of Warcraft as I already got one of those blogs already. This is going to be more personal and you'll pretty much will hear my opinions on things and such. 

As I'm writing this post I'm waiting or my breakfast to get cooked. Boiled eggs on sandwiches. Going to start trying to eat healthier and move more. I think I need to get that change in my life. 

I've downloaded an app to help me keep track of what I eat and training. Even downloaded a cute app to help remind me to drink a lot of water. I won't expect to loose a lot but if I can just get healthier I wouldn't mind. 

And now it's time for my late breakfast.